How to Write an Ethical Will (Legacy Letter): A Step-by-Step Guide

What Is an Ethical Will and Why Does It Matter?

An ethical will is a personal document that passes your values, beliefs, life stories, and hopes to the people you love. Unlike a legal will that distributes property and assets, an ethical will distributes wisdom — the intangible inheritance that families often treasure most. Dr. Barry K. Baines, a hospice physician and leading authority on ethical wills, describes them as a way to ensure that what you value most is on the record, preserved for future generations (Baines, Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper, 2006).

The ethical will goes by many names: legacy letter, spiritual will, values letter, or simply a letter to loved ones. Regardless of what you call it, the purpose remains the same — to communicate who you are beyond what you own. While a legal will answers the question "What do I leave behind?", an ethical will answers the deeper question: "What do I want my family to remember about me?"

If you are not familiar with the concept, our introductory article on what a legacy letter is covers the basics. This guide goes further — it is a hands-on, step-by-step writing workshop that will help you produce your own ethical will from scratch.

Where Did Ethical Wills Come From?

The ethical will is one of the oldest legacy-making traditions in human history, with roots stretching back over 3,000 years in the Jewish tradition. The Hebrew word for it is tzava'ah, and its original template appears in Genesis 49, where the patriarch Jacob gathered his twelve sons on his deathbed to offer them blessings, moral directives, and burial instructions (Wikipedia: Ethical Will).

How Did the Tradition Evolve Over Centuries?

In biblical times, ethical wills were delivered orally — spoken words from a dying elder to the next generation. Other early examples include Moses instructing the Israelites to be a holy people and teach their children ethical principles (Deuteronomy 32), and David advising his son Solomon. In the Christian tradition, Jesus's parting words to his disciples in the Gospel of John are considered a form of ethical will (My Jewish Learning).

By the medieval period, the practice had shifted from oral to written form. Ethical wills flourished across Spain, Germany, and France between the 11th and 13th centuries. One of the earliest surviving written ethical wills was authored by Eleazar of Worms around 1050 CE, who counseled his sons to avoid evil thoughts, purify their bodies, and give their best food to the poor (Legacy Letter Foundation). These medieval documents were typically private — never intended for publication — which is why they often reveal the writer's most intimate feelings and ideals.

In the 20th century, ethical wills resurfaced powerfully in the remnants of the Holocaust, discovered inside books, published in ghetto newspapers, or carved on synagogue walls. In recent decades, the practice has expanded far beyond Jewish communities. Today, people of every faith, ethnicity, and background write ethical wills, and palliative care professionals routinely recommend them as a meaningful component of end-of-life planning.

How Does an Ethical Will Differ from a Legal Will?

An ethical will and a legal will serve fundamentally different purposes, and one does not replace the other. Together, they form a complete picture of your legacy — the material and the meaningful.

As Rabbi Jack Riemer and Dr. Nathaniel Stampfer describe in Ethical Wills and How to Prepare Them, receiving an ethical will from a deceased loved one can feel like reading a message of love from beyond — a tangible connection to someone who is gone (My Jewish Learning). A legal will may divide your estate fairly, but it is the ethical will that families return to again and again for comfort. For a broader look at how legal and emotional planning work together, see our complete digital legacy planning guide.

What Are the Proven Benefits of Writing an Ethical Will?

Writing an ethical will benefits the writer just as much as the recipients. The process of reflecting on your values, revisiting your life story, and articulating what matters most has measurable psychological effects.

How Does It Help the Person Writing It?

Dr. Harvey Max Chochinov, a Canadian psychiatrist and the creator of Dignity Therapy — a clinical approach closely related to ethical will writing — demonstrated in a landmark 2005 study that patients who engaged in legacy-focused reflection reported heightened senses of dignity, purpose, and meaning, even at the end of life (Chochinov et al., Journal of Clinical Oncology, 2005). Dignity Therapy invites terminally ill patients to discuss the issues that matter most and produces a "generativity document" — essentially a guided ethical will — that they can leave for their families.

Celebrity physician Andrew Weil has described the ethical will as a gift of spiritual health, noting that its greatest importance may be what it offers the writer during their lifetime — clarity of identity, focused purpose, and a sense of completion. Writing forces you to answer questions you may have never consciously considered: What do I truly believe? What life lessons do I want preserved? What do I want to say to the people I love before I no longer can?

How Does It Help the People Who Receive It?

A follow-up study by McClement, Chochinov, and colleagues (2007) surveyed 60 bereaved family members whose loved ones had completed Dignity Therapy generativity documents. The results were striking: 78% said the document helped them during their time of grief, 77% said it would continue to be a source of comfort, and 95% said they would recommend the process to other families facing terminal illness (McClement et al., Journal of Palliative Medicine, 2007).

These findings align with what grief researchers have long observed: when families feel that important things were communicated before death, the bereavement process tends to be less complicated and less burdened by guilt. Our article on grief and regret in bereaved families explores this connection in detail.

What Should You Include in an Ethical Will?

There is no required template for an ethical will — it is one of the most flexible documents you will ever create. However, drawing on frameworks from Baines, Chochinov, and legacy letter specialists, most ethical wills touch on several core categories of content.

What Are the Core Categories to Cover?

One important guideline from experts: avoid using your ethical will to chastise, criticize, or settle scores. As the EBSCO research summary on ethical wills notes, experienced facilitators caution against expressing disappointment in heirs' life choices — the goal is to leave a gift of love, not a burden of judgment (EBSCO Research Starters). Baines echoes this advice: share your ethical will with a trusted friend before finalizing it. A second pair of eyes can catch unintentional imbalances — writing more about one child than another, for instance — that might cause hurt rather than healing.

How Do You Write an Ethical Will in 6 Steps?

The following six-step process is designed to take you from a blank page to a finished ethical will. You can complete it in a single afternoon or return to it over several weeks. There is no wrong pace — what matters is that you start.

Step 1 — How Do You Decide Who This Is For?

Begin by choosing your audience. While traditional ethical wills were addressed to one's children, you can write to anyone: a spouse, a grandchild, a close friend, a sibling, or even your community at large. Some people write separate letters for different recipients, while others write a single document addressed to the family as a whole. Knowing who will read (or watch) your ethical will shapes the tone, the content, and the level of personal detail you include.

Step 2 — How Do You Gather Your Thoughts Before Writing?

Before you draft a single sentence, spend time reflecting. Baines suggests several exercises to activate your memory and clarify your values. Ask yourself questions like: What are the most important decisions I have made in my life? Who were the people who shaped who I am? What moments am I most proud of? What mistakes taught me the most? What traditions from my family of origin do I want to pass on?

Write your answers informally — in a notebook, on your phone, or as voice memos. This raw material becomes the foundation of your ethical will. You do not need to organize it yet. The goal at this stage is simply to generate honest, unfiltered content. If you need help with specific prompts, our collection of afterlife message writing prompts provides dozens of thought-starters for exactly this kind of reflection.

Step 3 — How Do You Choose a Format?

Ethical wills can take virtually any form. Choose the format that feels most natural to you:

Written letter: The most traditional format. Handwritten letters carry special emotional weight because they preserve your unique handwriting, but typed letters work equally well. A written ethical will typically runs between one and five pages.

Journal or memoir style: If you prefer to tell stories rather than write formally, a narrative approach lets you weave your values into the fabric of your life experiences. Each entry can stand alone or build into a longer document over time.

Video recording: A video ethical will adds the dimension of your voice, your facial expressions, and your physical presence — elements that a written document cannot capture. For families, hearing a loved one say "I'm proud of you" on video has an emotional power that transcends the written word. Our guide on how to record a video message for your family covers the technical and emotional aspects of this format.

Audio recording: A simpler alternative to video that still preserves your voice. Ideal for people who feel self-conscious on camera but want to communicate in their own words.

Multimedia combination: Some people create a package that includes a written letter, family photographs, and a short video. There is no right or wrong approach — the best format is the one you will actually complete.

Step 4 — How Do You Write the First Draft?

Now it is time to write. Using your reflection notes from Step 2, organize your thoughts into a rough structure. Here is a suggested framework you can adapt:

Opening: Address your recipient by name. State why you are writing this document and what you hope it will mean to them. Example: "Dear Sarah, I'm writing this because there are things I want you to know about me, about our family, and about what I hope for your future — things that a regular will can never express."

Your story: Share the life experiences that shaped your values. Focus on turning points — the job that changed your perspective, the hardship that revealed your strength, the relationship that taught you about love. You do not need to tell your entire life story. Focus on the moments that mattered most.

Your values: Name the principles that guided you. Be specific. Instead of writing "I valued honesty," tell the story of a time when telling the truth cost you something — and why you would do it again.

Your gratitude: Express specific thanks to the people who mattered. Mention moments, not just qualities. "I'll never forget the night you sat with me in the hospital" is far more powerful than "You were always there for me."

Your forgiveness: If there are unresolved conflicts, your ethical will is a place to extend grace — to apologize, to forgive, or simply to acknowledge that relationships are imperfect and love persists anyway.

Your hopes: End with blessings and wishes for the future. What do you hope your children will become? What kind of world do you want your grandchildren to live in? What final advice would you offer?

Do not worry about perfection at this stage. As Rabbi Jack Riemer wisely counsels, literary excellence is not the point — the words that come from the heart are what enter the heart.

Step 5 — How Do You Revise and Share with a Trusted Reader?

Set your draft aside for at least a few days before revisiting it. When you return, read it aloud. Listen for places where the tone shifts unintentionally — where frustration or resentment creeps in, or where you may have omitted someone important. Then share it with one trusted person — a spouse, a friend, a spiritual advisor, or a therapist — and ask for honest feedback. Common pitfalls they can help you catch include unintentionally favoring one child over another, including language that could be misinterpreted, or leaving out a relationship that deserves acknowledgment.

Step 6 — How Do You Store and Deliver Your Ethical Will?

Once finalized, decide when and how your ethical will should be shared. Unlike a legal will, an ethical will can be delivered during your lifetime — and many experts recommend it. Sinai Memorial Chapel notes that sharing your ethical will while you are alive can bring families together for reflection and first-hand conversation about what matters most (Sinai Memorial Chapel). Many families share ethical wills at meaningful milestones: a child's wedding, a grandchild's birth, a significant birthday, or a retirement.

If you prefer your ethical will to be delivered after your death, store physical copies with your legal will and inform your executor of its existence. For digital versions — especially video messages — a platform like LastWithYou allows you to upload and schedule delivery to specific recipients, ensuring your words arrive exactly when and where you intended.

What Does an Ethical Will Look Like in Practice?

To make the concept concrete, here is a simplified structural outline of what a completed ethical will might contain. This is not a rigid template — adapt it to your voice and your family's needs.

A typical written ethical will runs one to five pages. There is no minimum or maximum length — some of the most powerful legacy letters in history are just a few paragraphs long. What matters is authenticity, not word count.

Can You Create a Digital Ethical Will Using Video?

Absolutely — and for many families, a video ethical will is even more impactful than a written one. When a bereaved child watches a video of their parent saying "I'm proud of the person you've become," the experience is qualitatively different from reading the same words on paper. The voice, the facial expressions, the pauses and the emotion all carry meaning that text alone cannot convey.

Why Is Video Becoming the Preferred Format?

Chochinov's Dignity Therapy research demonstrated that the process of recording one's most important words — and knowing they will be preserved — heightens the speaker's sense of purpose and dignity. In his studies, 72% of family members reported that the legacy document heightened the patient's sense of purpose, and 65% said it helped them prepare for death (Chochinov, Dignity and Dignity Therapy in End-of-Life Care). While those studies used transcribed text, the addition of video amplifies the emotional connection by preserving the person themselves, not just their words.

A qualitative analysis of 17 Dignity Therapy generativity documents identified seven recurring themes: significant people and things, remarkable moments, acknowledgments, reflection on the course of life, personal values, messages left to others, and requests and last wishes (Julião et al., Palliative and Supportive Care, 2021). These are exactly the categories that make up a strong ethical will — and all of them translate naturally to video.

How Does a Platform Like LastWithYou Support Digital Ethical Wills?

LastWithYou was built specifically for this purpose. The platform allows you to record video or write text messages that are securely stored and automatically delivered to your chosen recipients after your death. This makes it an ideal vehicle for a digital ethical will: you can record separate messages for each child, each grandchild, or any other loved one — personalizing your legacy in a way that a single written document cannot.

The free plan includes one video message, three recipients, and 500 MB of storage, which is enough to create a meaningful digital ethical will at no cost. For those who want to leave multiple messages for many recipients, the one-time $29.99 plan removes all limits. Either way, the platform solves the two biggest practical challenges of a video ethical will: secure long-term storage and reliable posthumous delivery.

If you are curious about how digital afterlife messages compare to other formats, our article on digital vs. physical legacy formats offers a detailed comparison.

What Mistakes Should You Avoid When Writing an Ethical Will?

Even the best-intentioned ethical wills can miss the mark. Here are the most common pitfalls and how to avoid them.

What Are the Most Common Errors?

Writing in generalities instead of specifics. Saying "I valued family" communicates very little. Saying "Every Sunday dinner at Grandma Rose's table taught me that showing up for the people you love is more important than anything on your calendar" communicates a lifetime of meaning in a single sentence.

Waiting too long to start. An ethical will is a living document — you can revise it at every major life transition. Baines encourages people to begin writing at any age, not just when facing illness. Life milestones such as the birth of a child, a marriage, a career change, or a retirement are natural starting points.

Using the ethical will to settle scores. This is not the place to express disappointment in a child's career choices or to relitigate old family conflicts. If you have unresolved anger, address it with a therapist first. Your ethical will should be something your family treasures, not something they dread opening.

Neglecting to tell anyone it exists. A beautifully written ethical will that no one can find is a lost opportunity. Tell your executor, your spouse, or a trusted friend where it is stored. If it is digital, ensure your login credentials are accessible through your estate plan.

Writing only once and never revisiting. Your values and perspectives evolve. An ethical will written at 40 may not reflect who you are at 70. Review and update your document at least every five to ten years, or whenever a significant life change occurs. For guidance on keeping your broader legacy plan current, our funeral planning checklist includes a section on periodic reviews.

Conclusion

An ethical will is one of the most profound gifts you can give your family — and yourself. It costs nothing to create, requires no legal expertise, and can be written at any age. What it offers is incalculable: a permanent record of your values, your stories, your love, and your hopes for the people who matter most. From Jacob's bedside blessings 3,000 years ago to a video message recorded on a smartphone today, the impulse behind the ethical will has never changed — the desire to be known, to be remembered, and to leave something of yourself that outlasts your physical presence.

You do not need to be a writer to create one. You do not need to be dying. You just need to care enough to start. Pick up a pen, open a laptop, or press record on a camera — and begin telling the people you love what they mean to you, while you still can.