What to Include in a Letter to Your Spouse or Partner

Why does a letter to your spouse matter more than you think?

Of all the people who will grieve you, your spouse or partner will likely grieve the hardest and the longest. Research calls it the "widowhood effect": a well-documented increase in mortality risk for the surviving partner. A study based on data from the University of Michigan Health and Retirement Study, following 12,316 married participants over a decade, found that widows and widowers had a 66 % increased chance of dying in the first three months after their spouse's death (Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, 2013). A 2023 analysis of nearly one million Danish citizens found that men faced a 70 % higher mortality risk and women a 27 % higher risk within the first year of widowhood (NCOA, 2025).

The grief is not only emotional — it is physiological. Researchers at Rice University found that bereaved spouses experiencing intense grief had up to 17 % higher levels of bodily inflammation, which is linked to heart attack and stroke (NCOA, citing Rice University 2018). About 30 % of bereaved spouses develop clinical depression in the first months, with 15 % still depressed at 13 months (PMC, 2014).

A letter cannot prevent all of this. But the research on meaningful communication is clear: words matter. The Otani et al. (2017) study of 965 bereaved family members found that a meaningful goodbye reduced depression by 58 % and complicated grief by 47 % (Otani et al., J Pain Symptom Manage, 2017). And a Swedish study of 907 widowers found that men who did not have end-of-life conversations with their dying wives had twice the risk of guilt feelings compared to those who did. Men who realized it was "too late" to discuss the impending death had 4.3 times the risk of guilt (Jonasson et al., Eur J Cancer, 2011).

A letter to your spouse is not a will. It is not a list of instructions. It is the most personal document you will ever create — written for the one person who shared your daily life, your bed, your arguments, your inside jokes, and your silence. This guide will show you exactly what to include, how to structure it, what to avoid, and how to make sure it reaches them when they need it most.

What are the seven essential things to include?

After reviewing guidance from palliative care physicians, grief researchers, and the real experiences of widows and widowers, seven themes emerge repeatedly. You do not need to write a novel. You need to touch each of these areas honestly, even if briefly.

1. Gratitude — What did they give you?

Start with what is most likely to comfort them immediately: specific gratitude. Not "thank you for everything" — that is too vague. Instead, name the moments. "Thank you for the way you always put your hand on my back when I was anxious." "Thank you for never once complaining about the early morning alarms." "Thank you for choosing me, even on the days when I wasn't easy to choose."

Dr. Ira Byock, a palliative care physician and author of The Four Things That Matter Most, identifies "Thank you" as one of the four essential phrases for end-of-life communication, alongside "Please forgive me," "I forgive you," and "I love you" (Transitions LifeCare, 2022). Gratitude grounds the letter in warmth before it touches anything harder. For more on these four phrases and how to use them, see our guide on things to say before it's too late.

2. Shared memories — What do you want them to re-live?

Choose two or three specific memories. Not milestones — moments. The difference matters. A milestone is "our wedding day." A moment is "the look on your face when the caterer dropped the cake and you just laughed." Specific memories anchor your letter in the reality of your particular relationship, which is irreplaceable.

Research on continuing bonds — the bereavement theory introduced by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman (1996) — shows that maintaining a connection with the deceased through shared memories is not only normal but often essential to healthy grieving (What's Your Grief, 2018). Your letter becomes a permanent source of those shared memories, written in your voice, from your perspective.

3. The unsaid — What have you never told them?

Every long-term relationship accumulates things left unsaid. Some are small: "I always loved the way you sing off-key in the car." Some are larger: "I never told you how much it meant to me when you defended me to your family." The Royal London 2020 survey found that 74 % of people have regrets about things they didn't say to a loved one before they died, with 49 % wishing they had talked about "a whole range of things" (Royal London, 2020).

This section of the letter is where you close those gaps. It is not about confessions or dramatic revelations. It is about the small truths that daily life sometimes crowds out. "I need you to know that I noticed. I noticed all of it."

4. Practical knowledge only you hold — What will they need?

Your partner may not know the password to the utility account, who your insurance agent is, where the car title is kept, or how to reset the water heater. A 2024 Talker Research poll found that half of Americans have never discussed end-of-life plans with their spouse (NY Post / Talker Research, 2024). In many households, one partner manages the finances, the home maintenance, or the medical decisions — and the other has no idea where things stand.

You do not need to turn your love letter into a spreadsheet. But a brief section — or a reference to a separate document — that says "Here is where to find what you will need" can prevent weeks of confusion during the worst period of their life. For a comprehensive guide on organizing these details, see our digital legacy planning guide.

5. Forgiveness — What needs to be released?

Dr. Byock places both "Please forgive me" and "I forgive you" among his four essential phrases, and for good reason. Unresolved conflict becomes permanent when one person dies. The Swedish widower study (Jonasson et al., 2011) found that men who felt "not everything had been brought to closure" before their wife's death had a 3.3 times higher risk of guilt. Forgiveness in a letter is not about reopening old arguments — it is about closing them. "If I ever hurt you, I am sorry. If you ever hurt me, I forgave you a long time ago. We are even. We are good."

6. Love — Say it plainly, say it directly

This may seem obvious, but many people assume their partner "already knows." They do. And they still need to hear it — especially in writing, where it becomes permanent. "I love you. I have loved you since [specific moment]. I love you right now, while I write this." Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman's decades of marriage research show that stable, happy couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions (The Gottman Institute). Your letter is one last, powerful positive interaction. Make it count.

7. Permission to move forward — The hardest thing to write

Many surviving spouses carry guilt about laughing again, dating again, or simply feeling happy. A single sentence in your letter can release them from that burden: "I want you to be happy. I want you to laugh. If you find love again, I will not be jealous — I will be glad that someone is taking care of you."

This section is the most selfless part of the letter. It is also the one that surviving partners report being most grateful for, because it lifts a weight they did not know how to lift themselves. As we explain in our guide on why you should leave a message for loved ones, one honest message can change a lifetime of grief into a lifetime of comfort.

How should you structure the letter?

There is no single correct format, but the following structure covers all seven areas while maintaining emotional flow. You can adapt it to your relationship and your voice.

Total length: typically one to three handwritten pages, or 500 to 1,500 words typed. The letter does not need to be long. It needs to be honest.

Should you also record a video?

Yes, if possible. A letter carries your words; a video carries your voice, your face, and the way you look when you say their name. Research on sensory memory shows that voice and facial expressions are among the first things bereaved people lose over time (What's Your Grief, 2020). A video anchors those memories permanently.

The ideal approach is both: a written letter for depth and re-readability, and a short video (3 – 8 minutes) for emotional presence. For a complete guide on recording, lighting, audio, and storage, see our step-by-step video message recording guide.

What should you avoid putting in the letter?

Should you include financial or legal details?

No. Keep the love letter and the logistics separate. Financial details, account numbers, and legal instructions belong in your estate plan, your will, or a separate document stored with your legal papers. Including them in an emotional letter dilutes the message and may create confusion if the letter is found by someone other than your spouse. Point your partner to the location of your practical documents with a single line: "Everything you need for the practical side is in [location]."

Should you settle old arguments?

No. A letter read in grief is not the place to relitigate disagreements or explain "your side." If you need to address something unresolved, keep it brief and frame it as closure, not as a reopened case. "I know we never fully agreed about [topic]. I want you to know that I understand your perspective, and it no longer matters to me. What matters is that we loved each other through it."

Should you tell them not to grieve?

No. Telling someone "Don't be sad" invalidates their experience. Instead, acknowledge the grief and sit with them in it: "I know this is going to hurt. I wish I could take that away. But I also know you are strong enough to carry it, and I know you will find your way."

When should you write the letter?

Now. The 2025 Pew Research study of 8,750 U.S. adults found that only 32 % have a will, and personal messages to loved ones are far rarer (Pew Research, 2025). The Talker Research 2024 poll found that 26 % of people keep putting off end-of-life conversations and 23 % do not know how to start (NY Post / Talker Research, 2024).

You do not need a diagnosis. You do not need to be old. You need 30 minutes, a pen or a keyboard, and the willingness to be honest with the person you love most. Write a first draft today. You can revise it, add to it, or rewrite it entirely over the years. The important thing is that a version exists.

How do you make sure the letter reaches them?

A letter hidden in a drawer that no one knows about is a letter that may never be found. You have several options for secure storage and reliable delivery.

Option 1 — An afterlife message platform

Upload your letter (typed or photographed) to a platform like LastWithYou, set your spouse as the recipient, and choose a delivery date. The system stores the file with encryption and delivers it automatically. The free plan includes one message, three recipients, and 500 MB of storage. The $29.99 one-time plan unlocks unlimited messages. For a comparison of services, see our afterlife message services comparison.

Option 2 — A sealed envelope with your estate documents

Place the letter in a sealed envelope marked with your spouse's name and "To be opened after my death." Store it with your will, your insurance documents, or in a safe-deposit box. Tell your executor that the envelope exists and is not a legal document — it is a personal letter that should be hand-delivered.

Option 3 — A trusted third party

Give the letter to a trusted friend, sibling, or your attorney with instructions to deliver it to your spouse after your death. This approach works well for people who want a human touchpoint in the delivery process.

What if your relationship is complicated?

Not every marriage or partnership is simple. If your relationship has involved difficult periods — conflict, separation, betrayal, illness — the letter becomes even more important, not less. The Jonasson et al. (2011) study found that the absence of communication created the most guilt and regret. Even imperfect relationships deserve honest words.

If you are struggling to find the right tone, consider this framework: acknowledge the complexity ("Our relationship was not always easy"), affirm the love that existed ("But I want you to know that the love was real"), and release the burden ("I don't want you to carry anything heavy because of me"). You do not need to pretend the relationship was perfect. You need to make sure the last word is a kind one.

Can you update the letter over time?

Yes, and you should. A letter written at 30 may not reflect you at 50. Marriages evolve — new memories form, old wounds heal, priorities shift. Plan to revisit your letter every few years, or after major life events: a new home, a health scare, a child leaving for college, a reconciliation. On platforms like LastWithYou, you can update or replace your message at any time. If you are using a physical letter, simply write a new version and replace the old one in your storage location.

Conclusion

Your spouse knows you better than anyone. They know your voice, your habits, your silences, and the things you mean even when you do not say them. But after you are gone, those silences become permanent — and the things you meant but never said become the source of lasting regret. Research consistently shows that unspoken words carry the heaviest cost: double the risk of guilt, 4.3 times the risk when closure feels too late, and a measurably higher chance of depression and complicated grief.

A letter changes that. It does not need to be perfect. It does not need to be long. It needs to be honest, specific, and real — gratitude for what they gave you, memories that belong only to the two of you, the things you never got around to saying, a path to the practical information they will need, forgiveness for the imperfect parts, love stated plainly, and permission to live fully after you are gone.

Write it today. You can always rewrite it tomorrow. But if tomorrow does not come, the version that exists will be enough. It will be more than enough. It will be everything.