How to Write a Meaningful Letter to Your Children (Even If You Don't Know What to Say)

You want to write something for your children. Something they can hold on to if you're not there one day. But every time you sit down to write, the same thing happens: you stare at the blank page, feel the weight of everything you want to say, and close the notebook. You tell yourself you'll do it later, when you know what to say.

Here's what no one tells you: there is no "knowing what to say." There is only starting. The parents who leave behind the most treasured letters are not the most eloquent ones — they are simply the ones who started writing. A 2022 YouGov survey of 6,090 Americans found that 47% regret not recording or documenting a conversation with someone close to them who has since died. Among those who did, 77% wished they had started earlier.

This guide will help you do the same, with practical prompts, age-specific guidance, and a structure that makes the blank page disappear.

Why does a letter to your children matter so much?

For parents, the YouGov statistic carries a particular sting: your children will one day be the ones looking back, wishing they had more of your words.

Research on childhood bereavement shows that children who lose a parent before adulthood carry the absence into every milestone — graduations, weddings, the birth of their own children, difficult days when they need guidance. A letter can't replace a parent. But it can give a child something no one else can provide: the direct experience of being spoken to by the person they miss most.

Author Matt Mikalatos, writing for TODAY.com, put it simply after writing letters to his own three daughters: "The difficulty of writing a meaningful letter to my kids shocked me. The complexity and breadth of my deep emotional attachment proved difficult to get onto paper. It took time and focused attention… but I am so glad that I did." His advice? Short is good. Use the words "I love you" and "I am proud of you." Those two sentences alone are more than most children ever receive in writing from their parents.

What should you know before you start writing?

You don't have to write it all at once. Ruth Pryce, a chaplain at the Marie Curie Hospice in Liverpool, advises writing in stages: "It can be very hard and emotional to think about no longer being around, and that's OK. You might choose to write the messages in stages. Try jotting down thoughts and ideas as they come to you, in a notebook or on your phone, as part of your day-to-day life. This may be easier than putting yourself under pressure to do it all at once."

There is no right length. Your letter can be three sentences or three pages. A card that says "I love you — I always have and I always will" is a complete message. A ten-page account of your favorite memories with your child is also a complete message. The only wrong length is zero.

You don't need to be dying. The best letters are written while you're healthy, thinking clearly, and not under the pressure of a diagnosis. A letter written on a quiet Sunday afternoon, simply because you love your child and want them to have your words, carries just as much power as one written from a hospital bed — and often more honesty, because there's no urgency clouding the message.

What's a simple structure for the letter?

If the blank page is your biggest obstacle, structure solves it. You don't need to follow this template exactly — but having a framework makes it far easier to start. Each section can be as short as one or two sentences.

How should you open the letter?

Start with the most important thing. Don't save "I love you" for the end. Say it first. Say it clearly. Say it in a way that leaves no room for doubt.

Example: "If you're reading this, I want you to know the first thing and the last thing and the only thing that really matters: I love you. I have loved you since before you were born, and nothing — not time, not distance, not anything — has ever changed that."

How do you share a memory that matters?

One specific memory is worth more than a hundred general statements. Pick a moment you remember clearly — the more ordinary, the better. Children treasure the small, everyday moments because those are the ones that prove you were paying attention.

Example: "I remember the summer you were seven and you insisted on carrying the watermelon from the car to the kitchen by yourself. It was almost as big as you. You dropped it on the front steps and it cracked open, and instead of being upset, you sat right down on the steps and started eating it with your hands. I stood in the doorway and watched you, and I thought: that's my kid."

How do you tell your child what you see in them?

Tell your child what you admire about who they are — not what they've achieved, but who they are as a person. Children and adults alike need to hear that they are valued for their character, not just their accomplishments.

Example: "You have always been the kind of person who notices when someone else is struggling. Even when you were small, you would bring your blanket to anyone who seemed sad. That kindness is not something I taught you — it's something that lives in you. I hope you never lose it."

What kind of advice should you include?

Not a lecture. Not a list of rules. One honest piece of guidance from your own experience — something you wish someone had told you, or something you learned the hard way.

Example: "The one thing I wish I'd understood earlier is that most of the things I worried about never happened. And the things that did happen — the hard, unexpected things — I survived them all. You will too. Don't spend your energy on worry. Spend it on the people you love."

How should you close the letter?

End by telling your child that they will be okay. This is especially important if the letter might be read during grief. The last words they read from you should leave them feeling held, not abandoned.

Example: "You are going to be okay. Not because life will always be easy, but because you are strong enough to handle what comes. And on the days when you don't feel strong, remember that I believed in you — completely, unreservedly, always."

How should you adjust the letter for your child's age?

The developmental research on children's understanding of death shapes how your letter should be framed. According to Stanford Children's Health and Child Bereavement UK, children's comprehension of death evolves significantly with age.

What should you write for very young children (under 5)?

Children under five generally do not understand that death is permanent. They may think a deceased parent is "sleeping" or "on a trip." A letter for this age group should be very simple, very warm, and focused on love rather than explanation. Consider recording a video instead — or in addition — because a young child will connect more with your face and voice than with written words they can't yet read.

What to say: "I love you so much. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I am always with you, even when you can't see me. You are safe. You are loved."

Delivery tip: Schedule this message for when they're old enough to read it themselves — perhaps age 10 or 12 — or leave instructions for a trusted adult to read it aloud to them when the time feels right.

What should you write for school-age children (6–12)?

Children between six and twelve begin to understand that death is final and irreversible, though younger children in this range may still struggle with the concept. By ages 9–12, most children understand death in essentially adult terms. Letters for this age group can include specific memories, honest emotions, and practical advice — but should still prioritize warmth and reassurance over complexity.

What to say: Share a specific memory of something you did together. Tell them what makes you proud about who they are. Give them permission to feel sad and reassurance that it won't last forever. End with something they can return to on hard days.

What should you write for teenagers (13–17)?

Teenagers understand death fully but may process grief through anger, withdrawal, or seeming indifference. A letter to a teenager should be honest and direct — they can detect insincerity instantly. Don't lecture. Don't preach. Speak to them as a person you respect, not just a child you're protecting.

What to say: Be honest about your own imperfections. Acknowledge that you didn't always get it right. Tell them something specific about their character that impresses you. Offer advice you wish you'd received at their age. Give them explicit permission to live their own life, make their own choices, and be happy.

What should you write for adult children (18+)?

Adult children can receive the full weight of your honesty. This is the letter where you can share your deepest feelings, your regrets, your hopes for their future, and your gratitude for who they've become. You can reference shared hardships, family struggles, and the complexity of your relationship — because they're old enough to hold all of it.

What to say: Everything you've been meaning to say. The things that felt too big for a phone call. The pride you feel when you watch them navigate their own life. The apology you owe, if you owe one. The forgiveness you want to give, if it's needed. The simple, final, irreducible truth: I love you, and knowing you has been the privilege of my life.

Should you write separate messages for specific milestones?

Some parents choose to write separate short messages for specific future events. This approach works especially well when combined with a service like LastWithYou, which lets you schedule delivery on exact dates. Here are milestones worth considering:

What are some prompts to help you start right now?

If you still don't know where to begin, pick one of these prompts and write whatever comes to mind. Don't edit. Don't overthink. Just write.

1. The moment I first held you, I felt…
2. My favorite memory of us together is…
3. The thing I admire most about you is…
4. Something I wish someone had told me at your age is…
5. The funniest thing you ever did was…
6. I want you to know that I'm sorry for…
7. When life gets hard, remember that…
8. If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be…
9. You changed my life by…
10. The thing I most want you to carry forward is…

Should you write a letter or record a video?

Both are powerful. The choice depends on what you're comfortable with and what your child will value most.

Choose a letter if you want to choose your words carefully, if you tend to express yourself better in writing, or if you want your child to have something they can re-read. Letters are also easier to write in stages — you can add to them over weeks or months.

Choose a video if you want your child to see your face and hear your voice. For young children especially, a video message is more impactful than written words because it preserves the sensory experience of you — your smile, your tone, your gestures. A child who was three when you recorded the video may not remember your voice at age twenty. The video gives it back to them.

Consider doing both. Write the letter first, to organize your thoughts. Then record a shorter video that captures the emotional core. Your child will have both the depth of the letter and the immediacy of your voice.

What mistakes should you avoid?

Don't criticize or correct. Matt Mikalatos's advice from TODAY.com is worth repeating: "This letter is not the place to share how you wish your child was different. Resist the temptation to say something like 'I love you, but.' Drop that last word. This should be a letter a child can go to when they have doubts you love them and need the reminder. No criticism, no complaints, no negative comparisons, no back-handed compliments."

Don't impose obligations. Avoid phrases like "Promise me you'll…" or "You must always…" Your letter should be a gift, not a contract. Give your child permission to live their own life without the burden of keeping promises made to a dead parent.

Don't wait for the perfect version. A finished imperfect letter is infinitely more valuable than a perfect letter that never gets written. You can always revise later. The worst outcome is no letter at all.

Don't forget to make it findable. A letter locked in a safe that nobody knows about is the same as no letter. Tell someone where it is. Better yet, use a service that delivers it automatically on the date you choose — that way it arrives even if nobody remembers to look for it.

Frequently Asked Questions

Conclusion

You don't need to write the whole letter today. You just need to write one sentence. Open a note on your phone right now and type the name of your child, followed by the first thing that comes to mind when you think about why you love them. That's your opening line. The rest will follow.

The 47% of people who regret not preserving conversations with their loved ones didn't plan to have regrets. They simply planned to do it later. Later doesn't always come. But one sentence, written right now, is the beginning of a letter your child will carry with them for the rest of their life.

Write the sentence. The letter will build itself around it.