Why You Should Leave a Message for Your Loved Ones (Before It's Too Late)

Why do so many people never leave a message for the ones they love?

Most of us assume we will have time. Time to say the important things, time to record a voice, time to write a letter. But research consistently shows that assumption is wrong — and the cost of waiting falls on the people left behind.

A 2022 YouGov survey of 6,090 U.S. adults found that 47 % regret not recording or documenting a conversation with a loved one who has since died. Among those who did preserve conversations, 77 % wish they had preserved even more (YouGov, 2022). A 2024 Talker Research poll of 2,000 adults reported that 90 % believe end-of-life conversations are important, yet more than half have never started one — not with their parents, not with their spouse (NY Post / Talker Research, 2024). And a 2025 Pew Research study of 8,750 U.S. adults showed that only 32 % have a will, with personal messages to loved ones far rarer still (Pew Research, 2025).

The gap between intention and action is enormous. This article explores why that gap exists, what it costs the people we love, and what one message — even a short one — can do to close it. You will learn what dying people regret most, what science says about unspoken goodbyes, what stops most people from acting, and how to start today.

What do dying people actually regret?

Bronnie Ware spent years as a palliative-care worker in Australia, recording the recurring regrets of patients in their final weeks. She published her findings in the 2011 book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, which has since been translated into 32 languages and read by over a million people (Bronnie Ware). The five regrets she documented are:

1. "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself." — The most common regret. Most patients had left more than half of their dreams unfulfilled.
2. "I wish I hadn't worked so hard." — Expressed by every male patient Ware nursed, and many women. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship.
3. "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings." — Many suppressed what they wanted to say to keep peace, and developed resentment or illness as a result.
4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends." — In the final weeks, status and money fell away. Only love and relationships remained.
5. "I wish I had let myself be happier." — A surprisingly common regret. Many only realized at the end that happiness is a choice.

Notice that three of the five — expressing feelings, staying connected, and living authentically — are about communication. The dying do not wish they had earned more or built more. They wish they had said more.

What does the science say about unspoken goodbyes?

Does saying goodbye actually change grief outcomes?

Yes. A landmark 2017 study by Otani and colleagues surveyed 965 bereaved family members of cancer patients who died in Japanese palliative-care units. More than 90 % of families wanted to be physically present at the moment of death, and 79 % were. But presence alone did not significantly reduce depression or complicated grief. What did matter was whether the dying patient had been able to say goodbye beforehand. Families who received a meaningful farewell had 58 % lower odds of clinical depression (adjusted OR 0.42, 95 % CI 0.26 – 0.69, p = 0.001) and 47 % lower odds of complicated grief (adjusted OR 0.53, 95 % CI 0.29 – 0.94, p = 0.009). The study's conclusion: it is meaningful communication before death, not physical presence at the moment of death, that protects bereaved families (Otani et al., J Pain Symptom Manage, 2017).

What happens when there is no goodbye at all?

A follow-up nationwide survey led by the same research group, published in 2026, found that 17.5 % of bereaved family members felt they had not been able to say goodbye, and 12.4 % felt that professional support came too late. The study identified "clarifying the patient's estimated prognosis" as the strongest factor associated with successful farewell communication — meaning that when families knew time was short, they were far more likely to have the conversation. When they did not know, the window closed (Otani et al., Support Care Cancer, 2026).

Can the effects of an unspoken goodbye last for years?

They can. Psychology Today contributor Dr. Chris Gilbert describes how losing her grandmother at age five — without the chance to say goodbye — created a lifelong "craving for love and affection like a well that can never be filled." Years later, she used a guided two-chair exercise to finally say farewell, and described the result as "a huge wave of relief" and lasting inner peace. She notes that research supports her experience: family members who cannot say goodbye are at higher risk for complicated grief, persistent longing, and difficulty moving forward (Gilbert, Psychology Today, 2024).

A 2020 study in Motivation Science adds a broader insight: people who say goodbye well — in a way that feels complete and rounded — experience more positive emotions, fewer regrets, and easier life transitions than those who do not (Schwörer, Krott & Oettingen, Motivation Science, 2020).

Why don't people leave a message if it matters so much?

The research is clear. The intention is there. So what stops people? Four barriers appear again and again in survey data.

Barrier 1 — "I still have time"

The 2024 Talker Research poll found that the average person does not begin thinking about end-of-life planning until age 50 — and expects their parents to be 70 before the conversation starts. Yet 16 % admitted they have no idea what age is appropriate to begin (NY Post / Talker Research, 2024). Death, of course, does not wait for a convenient age.

Barrier 2 — "I don't know what to say"

The same Talker Research poll showed that 23 % of people avoid end-of-life conversations because they simply do not know how to start. A 2020 Royal London survey found that 46 % of people struggle to speak comfortably about death, with 27 % saying they could only raise the topic in the context of illness (Royal London, 2020).

Barrier 3 — "It's too uncomfortable"

In the Talker Research poll, 26 % admitted they keep putting it off and 16 % said they were simply scared. Royal London found that 9 % view death as outright taboo and 10 % refuse to discuss it under any circumstances. Among adults aged 75 – 84, a striking 64 % said they would struggle to discuss funerals or mortality, compared with 43 % of 18 – 24-year-olds (Royal London, 2020).

Barrier 4 — "I don't know how to make it accessible later"

Even people who do write a letter or record a video often have no reliable plan for delivery. A handwritten note can be lost. A phone video can be locked behind a password. A 2021 StoryTerrace survey of 1,005 U.S. adults found that 74 % regret not learning more about deceased relatives and 73 % have lost a family member whose story they wish had been preserved — suggesting that many messages that were created never reached the right person (StoryTerrace / OnePoll, 2021).

Who benefits most from leaving a message?

Leaving a message is not only for people who are dying. It is for anyone who loves someone. Below are five groups for whom the evidence is especially strong.

Parents of young children

Young children process grief differently from adults and may struggle for years to understand a parent's absence. A recorded video, a written letter, or a set of milestone messages (birthday, graduation, wedding) gives them a parent's voice and presence at moments when they need it most. The YouGov data shows that adults under 45 are nearly twice as likely as older adults to have already preserved conversations — suggesting that younger parents are beginning to recognize this need (YouGov, 2022).

People with aging parents

Pew Research found that among adults under 65 with a parent aged 65 or older, only 50 % say a parent has discussed medical-care wishes and only 51 % say a parent has discussed what to do with their belongings. Encouraging a parent to leave a message — or recording one together — can fill those gaps before it is too late (Pew Research, 2025).

Couples and partners

The Talker Research poll found that half of respondents have never discussed end-of-life plans with their spouse or partner. A simple message — "Here is what I want you to know if I'm not here" — can prevent years of unanswered questions.

People in high-risk professions or with serious illness

Military personnel, first responders, and people with a terminal diagnosis face a statistical reality that makes leaving a message urgent rather than optional. The 2017 Otani study demonstrated that even in hospice settings — where death is expected — 21 % of families still did not receive a meaningful goodbye.

Healthy people with no immediate reason

This is the largest and most overlooked group. The entire body of regret research points to the same conclusion: people do not regret leaving a message; they regret not leaving one. The Royal London survey's finding that 74 % of people have regrets about things left unsaid applies to sudden deaths, expected deaths, and every circumstance in between (Royal London, 2020).

What can one message actually do?

The evidence consistently shows that the content of a final communication matters more than the format or the timing. Otani et al. (2017) found that a single meaningful exchange — even if it happened weeks before death — reduced depression by 58 % and complicated grief by 47 %. The message did not need to be long. It did not need to be eloquent. It needed to be real.

A video saying "I love you, I'm proud of you, you'll be okay" may be the most valuable thing a parent ever records. A letter explaining "Here's what I was thinking when I made that decision" may be the answer a child searches for decades to find. A voice memo saying "I forgive you" may release someone from guilt they would otherwise carry for the rest of their life.

One message. That is all it takes to change someone's grief from "I never got to hear them say it" to "They told me, and I can listen again whenever I need to."

What is the real cost of waiting?

The financial cost of leaving a message is negligible. Platforms like LastWithYou offer free plans that include one video message, up to three recipients, and 500 MB of storage. A one-time payment of $29.99 unlocks unlimited messages and recipients.

The real cost is not money. It is time — and time is the one resource you cannot buy back. The Talker Research data shows that 26 % of people keep putting it off. The Pew data shows that most adults do not create a will until their 70s. The YouGov data shows that 47 % end up regretting the conversations they never preserved.

Every week of delay is another week in which an accident, an illness, or simple bad luck could close the window permanently. The message you leave today costs nothing. The message you never leave costs the people you love a lifetime of wondering.

Conclusion

The data tells a consistent story across every study, survey, and personal account examined in this article. People do not regret the messages they leave. They regret the ones they never created. Bereaved families do not suffer because a goodbye was imperfect — they suffer because there was no goodbye at all.

Saying goodbye is not about death. It is about love. It is about making sure the people who matter most hear what they need to hear, whether you are there to say it or not. One message — honest, simple, and real — can reduce depression, prevent complicated grief, and give someone a source of comfort they can return to for the rest of their life.

You do not need to be dying. You do not need to be eloquent. You just need to start.