5 Things to Say to Someone You Love Before It's Too Late

In 2014, The Conversation Project published a striking finding: 90% of Americans say that talking with their loved ones about end-of-life care is important, yet only 27% have actually done it. That gap — between knowing something matters and actually doing it — is where regret is born.

Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative care nurse, spent years at the bedsides of dying patients and documented their most common regrets. Third on her list: "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings." Not career achievements, not financial milestones — the simple act of saying what was in their hearts.

Dr. Ira Byock, a palliative medicine physician and author of The Four Things That Matter Most, distilled decades of end-of-life care into five essential statements. These aren't elaborate speeches. They're five plain sentences that carry more weight than most people realize — until it's too late to say them. This guide explains what they are, why they work, and how to say them even when face-to-face conversation feels impossible.

What are the five things that matter most?

Dr. Byock observed that people approaching the end of life consistently needed to hear — and say — the same five things to find peace. He organized them as a framework for completing relationships, meaning that no matter how complicated the history between two people, these five statements can help bring closure.

"I forgive you" — why is this the hardest one?

Holding on to resentment doesn't protect you; it imprisons you. Forgiveness is not about excusing what happened or pretending it didn't hurt. It's about releasing the weight so that neither person carries it into whatever comes next.

This is often the hardest of the five because it requires vulnerability without any guarantee that the other person deserves it. But as Byock emphasizes, forgiveness is primarily a gift you give yourself. When someone you love is dying — or when you are — unresolved anger becomes a source of lasting regret for whoever remains.

How to say it: "I've been holding onto some hurt between us, and I want to let it go. I forgive you — not because what happened was okay, but because our relationship means more to me than that pain."

"Forgive me" — why does asking matter so much?

Asking for forgiveness requires admitting imperfection — acknowledging that you, too, have caused pain. In relationships, especially long ones, both sides accumulate small debts of unkindness, impatience, and neglect. Most of these go unspoken.

A 2024 survey by Talker Research found that 40% of Americans' biggest life regret is "not speaking up when they should have." Asking forgiveness is one of the most important forms of speaking up. It communicates: I see what I did, I take responsibility, and your feelings matter to me.

How to say it: "I know I haven't always been the [parent/partner/friend/sibling] you needed. I'm sorry for the times I let you down. Will you forgive me?"

"Thank you" — why does specificity matter?

Gratitude, expressed specifically and sincerely, is one of the most powerful emotional forces in human relationships. Not a generic "thanks for everything" — but naming the exact moments, qualities, or gifts that shaped your life.

A 2022 YouGov survey of over 6,000 U.S. adults found that 47% regret not preserving conversations with loved ones who have died. Among those who did record conversations, 77% wished they had started earlier. The things we appreciate most about the people we love often go unsaid because we assume there will always be more time.

How to say it: "Thank you for sitting with me that night when I didn't think I could get through it. Thank you for believing in me before I believed in myself. Those moments changed my life."

"I love you" — why aren't actions enough?

Three words. Everyone knows them. Yet many people — particularly across cultures where emotional expression is restrained — go entire lifetimes without saying them to the people who matter most. In some families, love is shown through action but never spoken aloud.

Spoken love is not a substitute for demonstrated love, and demonstrated love is not a substitute for spoken love. They serve different functions. Hearing "I love you" from someone creates a memory that can be replayed in the mind for decades. Long after the meals cooked and the bills paid have faded from memory, the words remain.

How to say it: "I love you. I don't say it enough, and I don't want another day to pass without you knowing how deeply I mean it."

"Goodbye" — why is this not giving up?

This is the one people resist most. Saying goodbye feels like giving up, like accepting the unacceptable. But goodbye is not a surrender — it's an acknowledgment. It says: I understand that this chapter is ending, and I want to be fully present for it rather than pretending it isn't happening.

Research published in the Journal of Pain and Symptom Management (Otani et al., 2017) found that meaningful communication before death — not merely being physically present at the moment of death — is what reduces depression and complicated grief in bereaved family members. The conversation mattered more than the timing.

How to say it: "I'm not ready to lose you, and I don't think I ever will be. But I want you to know — you can go in peace. I'll carry everything you gave me forward."

Why do most people never say these things?

If these five statements are so widely recognized as important, why do most people fail to say them? The reasons are surprisingly consistent across cultures, ages, and relationship types.

The assumption of time. When someone is healthy, there is no urgency. Tomorrow exists. Next week exists. The conversation can wait. This is the most dangerous assumption because it is true right up until the moment it isn't. Heart attacks, strokes, car accidents, sudden diagnoses — roughly 30% of deaths are sudden or unexpected, leaving no time for final conversations.

Emotional discomfort. These are vulnerable statements. Saying "forgive me" means admitting fault. Saying "I love you" in a family that doesn't say it feels like breaking an unwritten rule. Saying "goodbye" means confronting mortality. Most people would rather endure decades of mild regret than five minutes of intense discomfort.

The belief that actions speak louder than words. They do — but words speak too. A 2021 national survey found that 74% of Americans regret not learning more about their relatives who died. Words create memory anchors in a way that actions alone often don't.

Conflict avoidance. In families with complicated histories — estrangement, addiction, divorce, abuse — these conversations feel impossible. But Byock's framework doesn't require reconciliation or reunion. It can be delivered in a letter. It can be recorded as a video. It can be scheduled to arrive after your own death. The words can travel even when the relationship cannot.

Do you have to say these things face to face?

No. One of the most freeing aspects of modern technology is that meaningful communication no longer requires being in the same room — or even being alive at the same time.

If saying "I forgive you" to someone's face feels impossible, you can write it in a letter. If telling your children "I love you" in the way you mean it is something you've never been able to do out loud, you can record a video and schedule it for delivery on a future milestone — their wedding day, the birth of their first child, or simply a hard day when they need to hear your voice.

Hospice UK reported that thousands of people die each year without their wishes being met, often because conversations never happened. A recorded or written message is not a lesser version of a spoken one. It is a permanent version. A video of your father saying "I'm proud of you" can be watched a thousand times. A spoken compliment over dinner, no matter how heartfelt, fades.

Services like LastWithYou exist specifically for this purpose — to let you record messages that are delivered to the people you love after you're gone. You record at your own pace, in your own words, without the pressure of a face-to-face conversation where emotion might stop you mid-sentence.

When is the right time to say these things?

The honest answer is: now. Not when someone receives a terminal diagnosis. Not on a deathbed. Not during a crisis. Now, while the words can be absorbed without the shadow of impending loss distorting their meaning.

Saying "I love you" to a healthy person on an ordinary Tuesday carries a different emotional register than saying it in a hospital room. Both matter, but the first one communicates something the second cannot: I chose to say this when I didn't have to. There was no deadline. I just wanted you to know.

That said, if you're reading this and someone you love is already sick, or elderly, or you haven't spoken in years — it's not too late. Late is better than never. A 2025 study from Kyushu University confirmed that families who had meaningful conversations before a patient's death showed significantly lower rates of complicated grief, regardless of when those conversations occurred relative to the death itself.

And if the person you need to speak to has already died, you can still write the letter, record the video, or simply say the words aloud. Grief therapists consistently report that the act of expressing the unsaid — even to an empty room — helps the living process their loss.

How can you put this into practice today?

Open a blank document or a note on your phone. Write down the names of five people who matter most to you. For each person, ask yourself: which of the five things have I never said to them?

You don't need to do anything with this list today. But having it — seeing the gaps in black and white — changes something. It makes the abstract concrete. It transforms "I should probably tell them someday" into a specific, actionable intention.

Here is a simple framework to guide you:

Check off the ones you've already communicated. The unchecked boxes are your map. You don't have to fill them all at once. Start with one. Start with the easiest one, or start with the hardest one — whichever will let you sleep better tonight.

Frequently Asked Questions

Conclusion

The five things that matter most — "I forgive you," "Forgive me," "Thank you," "I love you," and "Goodbye" — are not complicated. They don't require eloquence or perfect timing. They require honesty, and the willingness to feel uncomfortable for a few minutes so that someone you love doesn't carry silence for the rest of their life.

The Otani (2017) study of 967 bereaved families proved it: meaningful communication before death, not physical presence at the moment of death, is what reduces depression and complicated grief. The Conversation Project data confirms the gap: 90% know these conversations matter, only 27% have them. And the YouGov data reveals the cost: 47% of Americans regret not preserving conversations with people they've lost.

You don't have to say all five things today. Start with one. Start with the person whose face comes to mind right now. Write it, record it, or say it — the format matters far less than the fact that the words exist somewhere outside your head.