How to Plan Your Own Memorial Service

Why Should You Plan Your Own Memorial Service?

Planning your own memorial service is one of the most compassionate gifts you can leave behind. According to the Caring.com 2024 Wills and Estate Planning Study, only 32 % of American adults have a will — and far fewer have left specific instructions for how they want to be remembered (Caring.com, 2024, Caring.com 2024 Survey). That gap forces grieving families to make dozens of high-stakes decisions — the venue, the music, who speaks, what readings are shared — while processing shock and loss. A 2022 study published in Omega – Journal of Death and Dying found that bereaved families who participated in planning funeral arrangements reported significantly lower depersonalisation and social isolation scores than those who did not (Gamino et al., cited in Bloomfield & Soulsby, 2022, PMC). Meanwhile, a YouGov survey found that 47 % of Americans regret not recording or documenting a conversation with a close person who has died (YouGov, 2022, YouGov). When you pre-plan your memorial, you eliminate that regret for your loved ones and ensure that your final gathering tells your story — in your voice.

Pre-planning is also a financial safeguard. The National Funeral Directors Association reports that the median cost of a funeral with viewing and burial reached $8,300 in 2023, while cremation with a service averaged $6,280 (NFDA, 2024, NFDA Statistics). Locking in choices today lets you shop without the time pressure that grief creates. The FTC's Funeral Rule guarantees your right to an itemized General Price List from any funeral home, making comparison shopping straightforward (FTC, FTC Funeral Costs Checklist). Your plan becomes a roadmap, not a burden.

What Are the Main Memorial Service Formats You Can Choose?

The main formats are traditional religious services, secular celebrations of life, and hybrid ceremonies that blend elements of both. Understanding your options is the first step toward designing a service that feels authentically yours. A 2024 NFDA generational survey of 2,000 adults found that 68 % of Gen Z respondents strongly agreed it is important to commemorate a person's life, while 68 % of Millennials and 65 % of Gen X expressed a highly positive perception of celebration-of-life events over traditional funerals (NFDA, 2025, NFDA Generational Report; Coldspring, Coldspring).

A traditional religious service follows the liturgical structure of a specific faith — hymns, scripture readings, a sermon, and prayers. It typically takes place in a church, temple, mosque, or synagogue and is led by clergy. A secular celebration of life has no required order; it centres on personal stories, favourite songs, photo slideshows, and group activities such as a toast or candle-lighting. It can be held at a park, restaurant, beach, community hall, or even a favourite pub. A hybrid ceremony combines spiritual elements with personal touches — for example, opening with a prayer, followed by a friend's storytelling segment and a playlist the deceased curated. Knowing which format resonates with you allows your family to move forward confidently instead of debating what you "would have wanted."

How Do You Choose Music and Readings That Reflect Your Personality?

You choose music and readings by creating a shortlist of pieces that have defined meaningful moments in your life, then annotating why each selection matters. Music is often the most emotionally powerful element of any memorial. Funeral Partners, a UK-based resource, notes that popular memorial songs range from Elton John's Candle in the Wind to Wiz Khalifa's See You Again, reflecting how different generations find comfort in different genres (Funeral Partners). What matters is not which songs are "correct" but which ones carry your story.

Consider dividing your selections into three categories: an entrance piece that sets the tone as guests arrive, one or two mid-service pieces that accompany readings or reflection, and an exit piece that sends guests off with a specific feeling — hope, warmth, even humour. For readings, you might draw from poetry (Mary Oliver, W. H. Auden), religious texts, personal letters, or even excerpts from a favourite novel. Writing a brief note beside each choice — "This song played at our wedding" or "This poem got me through 2018" — transforms a playlist into a narrative. If you would also like to leave a spoken message for your loved ones to hear at the service or receive afterward, you can record a free afterlife video message on LastWithYou, which can become the centrepiece of the ceremony.

What If You Want Live Music Instead of Recorded Tracks?

Live music adds a layer of warmth that recordings cannot replicate, and it can be planned in advance just as easily. Identify the musician or ensemble — a church organist, a friend who plays guitar, a local string quartet — and include their contact details and preferred pieces in your plan. Note any backup recorded tracks in case the performer is unavailable on the day. Budgets for a solo musician at a memorial typically range from $150 to $500, while a small ensemble may cost $500 to $1,500, depending on the region. Including this detail in your plan also helps your family anticipate and manage costs, which is one of the core goals of pre-planning.

How Do You Decide Who Should Attend — and Who Should Speak?

You decide by drafting a guest list and a separate speakers list, then adding written guidance on tone and length for each speaker. This is one of the most overlooked elements of memorial planning, yet it prevents two of the most common funeral regrets: having someone speak who didn't really know the deceased, and omitting someone who had a meaningful story to share. A PR Newswire survey found that 74 % of Americans regret not learning more about their deceased relatives (PR Newswire / StoryWorth, 2021, PR Newswire). When you pre-select speakers, you maximise the chance that your service surfaces those stories.

Your speakers list should include a primary eulogist (the person who will deliver the main tribute), two to four additional speakers or readers, and a host or master of ceremonies to guide transitions. For each speaker, provide a brief note about what you appreciate about them and what topic you hope they'll address — childhood memories, professional adventures, shared travels. This guidance reduces the paralysing "What do I say?" question that often leads to generic eulogies. And if there's someone you specifically do not want to attend or speak, it's kinder to document that now than to leave your family guessing.

How Can You Create the Right Ambiance and Atmosphere?

You create the right ambiance by specifying the venue, décor, lighting, scents, and even the dress code in your memorial plan. Ambiance is what transforms a service from an obligation into an experience. Martin Funeral Home's planning guide recommends soft lighting, minimal decorations, and a peaceful layout for intimate services, while larger celebrations may benefit from photo displays, memory tables, and themed décor (Martin Funeral Home).

Start with the venue. Do you want a traditional setting — a house of worship, a funeral home chapel — or something non-traditional like a botanical garden, a family backyard, or a rented art gallery? Consider accessibility for elderly or disabled guests, parking, and indoor-versus-outdoor weather contingencies. Then layer in the details: will there be flowers, and if so, what kind? Should guests wear bright colours instead of black? Would you like photos arranged chronologically on a memory board, or a looping video montage on a screen? Should there be candles, incense, or a specific scent diffused in the space? Every choice you document is a decision your family won't need to make under stress. If you have cultural or spiritual traditions that inform the setting, explore how different cultures approach memorial rituals in our post on afterlife messages in different cultures.

What About Food and Drink at a Memorial?

Food and drink turn a memorial into a gathering, and specifying your preferences removes another layer of guesswork. You might request a simple coffee-and-cake reception, a catered meal reflecting your heritage, or a casual barbecue. If a post-service meal has been a tradition in your family, note the venue and your preferred caterer. If you'd prefer donations to a charity instead of food, document that too. The key is to relieve your survivors of the question "What would they have wanted?" by answering it in writing.

How Do You Control Memorial Service Costs Without Sacrificing Meaning?

You control costs by setting a clear budget in your plan, comparing itemized price lists from multiple providers, and separating must-haves from nice-to-haves. With the median funeral costing $8,300, financial stress is a real factor for bereaved families (NFDA, 2024). The National Council on Aging notes that direct cremation — the simplest option — averages $3,585, while a full funeral with burial can climb above $14,000 when you add a vault, headstone, and cemetery fees (NCOA, 2026, NCOA). The FTC Funeral Rule requires every funeral home to provide an itemized General Price List so you can compare costs line by line (FTC).

Practical cost-saving strategies include choosing a celebration-of-life event at a free or low-cost venue such as a community centre or your own home, selecting cremation over burial, providing your own playlist instead of hiring musicians, and asking friends to contribute food instead of hiring a caterer. You can also explore Payable-on-Death (POD) savings accounts earmarked for memorial expenses, which keep the funds accessible to your executor without requiring probate (AARP, 2023, AARP). By writing down your budget and priorities, you protect your family from both overspending out of guilt and underspending out of uncertainty. If you already have a digital estate plan covering accounts and assets, your memorial plan becomes the final piece; learn more about the broader framework in our guide to setting up Google's Inactive Account Manager.

How Does Pre-Planning a Memorial Reduce the Burden on Your Family?

Pre-planning reduces the burden by converting dozens of open-ended decisions into a single document your family can follow. A study in Omega – Journal of Death and Dying reviewing 17 studies found that bereaved individuals who shaped the funeral experience reported lower grief intensity, less social isolation, and fewer depressive symptoms (Bloomfield & Soulsby, 2022, PMC). Conversely, adverse events during funeral planning — family conflicts, discrepancies between the deceased's wishes and survivors' preferences, problems with the funeral home — were linked to significantly higher grief, somatisation, and depersonalisation (Gamino et al., 2000, cited in same review).

The practical reality is stark: when no plan exists, families must choose everything within 24 to 72 hours of a death, often while in shock. Securing a venue, selecting a casket or urn, writing an obituary, coordinating with clergy, choosing flowers, and deciding what the deceased should wear — each of these becomes a source of stress and potential disagreement among siblings, partners, and extended family. A written memorial plan acts as a single source of truth. It doesn't remove grief, but it removes the paralysis that compounds it. The Funeral Consumers Alliance notes that pre-planning can cut funeral costs by up to half because decisions are made rationally rather than emotionally (Funeral Consumers Alliance).

How Can Afterlife Messages Complement Your Memorial Plan?

Afterlife messages let you speak at your own memorial — or deliver personal words to specific loved ones afterward — turning your service from a third-person tribute into a first-person farewell. While a written memorial plan handles logistics (venue, music, flowers), an afterlife video message handles emotion (forgiveness, gratitude, guidance). The combination ensures your family receives both structure and comfort.

Imagine your memorial service reaching the moment reserved for your words. The screen lights up, and your loved ones hear your voice — thanking them, sharing a memory, asking them to take care of each other. This is not science fiction; it is a simple video recording you make today and schedule for delivery after your passing. With LastWithYou's free plan, you can record one video, designate up to three recipients, and store up to 500 MB — enough for a five-minute message in high definition. For broader coverage, the one-time $29.99 paid plan allows unlimited videos and recipients. Pairing your memorial plan with an afterlife message closes the loop between what your memorial looks like and what it feels like. Learn more about how recording a message reduces grief and regret in our article on the importance of digital estate planning.

What Should Your Memorial Planning Checklist Include?

Your checklist should include every decision point that would otherwise fall on your survivors. The table below organises the essential elements into categories so you can work through them systematically and share the completed document with your executor, attorney, or trusted family member.

What Mistakes Do People Commonly Make When Planning a Memorial?

The most common mistake is planning in your head but never writing anything down. An unwritten plan is no plan at all — it dies with you and leaves your family exactly where they would have been without it. The Caring.com 2024 survey found that 40 % of Americans without a will say they simply "haven't gotten around to it," and the same inertia applies to memorial planning (Caring.com, 2024). Here are the other frequent pitfalls to avoid.

The second mistake is not telling anyone the plan exists. Your memorial document does no good if it's locked in a drawer nobody knows about. Share it with your executor, your spouse or partner, and at least one other trusted person. Store a digital copy in a location your family can access — a shared cloud folder, a password manager's secure notes, or alongside your afterlife messages on LastWithYou.

Third, people often forget to update the plan. A memorial blueprint written at 45 may not reflect who you are at 65. Relationships change, favourite songs evolve, preferred venues close. Review your plan every two to three years or after major life events such as a marriage, divorce, retirement, or relocation. Fourth, some planners focus exclusively on logistics and neglect the emotional dimension — what they want to say to their loved ones. A checklist without a personal message is efficient but cold. Pairing your logistical plan with a recorded afterlife message bridges that gap. Fifth, ignoring costs or assuming someone else will "figure it out" creates financial stress at the worst possible time. Include a budget, a funding mechanism, and copies of itemized price lists.

How Does the Cremation Trend Affect Memorial Planning?

The rise of cremation has expanded the timeline and flexibility of memorial services, making pre-planning both easier and more important. The Cremation Association of North America reported a U.S. cremation rate of 61.8 % in 2024, up from 56.2 % in 2020, with projections reaching 82 % by 2045 (CANA, 2024, CANA). The NFDA's 2025 Cremation & Burial Report found that the rate climbed further to 63.4 % in 2025 (NFDA, 2025, NFDA).

When cremation is chosen, the memorial service no longer needs to happen within days of death. Families can wait weeks or months, hold the gathering at a non-traditional venue, and scatter ashes as part of the ceremony. This flexibility is liberating, but it also introduces a paradox: without the urgency of a burial deadline, some families postpone the memorial indefinitely, sometimes never holding one at all. The NFDA reports that 35 % of cremation families opt for a memorial service, while 24 % choose a funeral service with the body present — meaning roughly 41 % hold no formal gathering (us-funerals.com, 2025, us-funerals.com). If a memorial matters to you, documenting that preference in your plan ensures it actually happens. Your plan should specify whether you want cremation, what should be done with the ashes (scattering, urn display, burial, division among family members), and the timeline you envision for the memorial event.

What Legal and Practical Documents Should Accompany Your Memorial Plan?

Your memorial plan should sit alongside a will, an advance directive (or living will), a healthcare power of attorney, and a digital estate plan. Only about one-third of U.S. adults have completed any type of advance directive (Yadav et al., 2017, Health Affairs). A 2023 Hospice News report placed the figure even lower, noting that only 22 % of Americans have documented end-of-life wishes (Hospice News, 2023, Hospice News). Without these documents, families face legal, medical, and financial ambiguity on top of grief.

Your memorial plan is not a legal document in itself, but when paired with a will that names an executor and specifies your wishes, it gains practical authority. Some states have enacted laws that give funeral-instruction documents priority over the next-of-kin's preferences — check your state's statutes or consult an estate attorney. Store all documents together — physically in a fireproof safe and digitally in an encrypted cloud folder — and tell your executor where they are. The combination of a legal will, an advance directive, a digital estate plan (covering online accounts and digital assets), and a memorial plan gives your family everything they need to honour your wishes without guesswork. For digital-asset guidance, see our post on what happens to cryptocurrency when you die.

Conclusion: What Is the First Step You Should Take Today?

The first step is deceptively simple: open a blank document and write down the format you envision. Religious, secular, or hybrid — just pick one. That single decision creates momentum. From there, add a song, a speaker, a venue idea. You don't have to finish in one sitting; this is a living document that grows with you. The data is clear: only 32 % of Americans have a will (Caring.com, 2024), roughly 70 % of bereaved families experience some form of funeral-planning regret (Okimura et al., 2022), and the median funeral costs $8,300 (NFDA, 2024). Pre-planning your memorial addresses all three problems simultaneously — it documents your wishes, eliminates guesswork, and controls costs.

But logistics alone don't capture everything you want to say. A checklist can tell your family where to hold the service, but it can't tell your daughter you're proud of her or tell your best friend what their decades of loyalty meant. That's where an afterlife message comes in. Take five minutes today to record a free video message on LastWithYou — the free plan gives you one video, three recipients, and 500 MB of storage. Pair it with your memorial plan, and your farewell will be both organised and deeply personal.